I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
