I could make wine with my vomit
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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