history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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