Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
