Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
