fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
my shit smells like andre
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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