is your mom at the bar?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
