he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
