our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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