I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
