Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
