I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
