My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
