Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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