just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
