Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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