I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
