You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
