I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Non-Jews are for practice
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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