I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
she told me i tasted like america
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
