I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
