if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
