Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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