last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
