Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
