and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
someone owes me an orgasm
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
