The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
