Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
