I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
