i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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