Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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