great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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