you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
