When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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