first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
