Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
