Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
