just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
