in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
