it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
