we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
