My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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