Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
this beer tastes like vomit already
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
