Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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