dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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