im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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