This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
