I accidentally burped into my bong.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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