drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
