Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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