don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
