dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
